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Sunday, March 29, 2009

Huge News

So this is the deal. I could walk blearily through a storm, my hood pulled over my head, freezing out the cold, my scarf securely intact. I could do this alone. Or, maybe, just maybe, I could enlist the help of a friend, who would hold my hand, make it warm, sit with me side-by-side on a train as the cold is blocked out without so much of an effort. Why is it that when you look at things this way, it seems clearer than day?

And so the past two days went, and I found an ally in someone from my past, a time that took me back to when the abuse all started, but someone who gave me a respite from the trauma that exists. And nether of us had any idea our worlds would collide, and they we are coexisting, and supporting each other with tender, tough words, and love. And that is exactly what happened.

First of all, this began a few weeks back when I started seeing my new therapist. He told me that if I told him the name of someone who had molested me, and that person still had contact with children, he would have to report it. Most of you who read this saw the blog I wrote. But then, an amazing, unexpected course of events happened. My friend J. contacted me and asked me if that same teacher was teaching at the high school I attended and what his name was. She has a daughter there. And so I told her the story, and gave her the name(s), and we started chatting. And then her husband said that the same vile, the same that had attacked me, also had meant him feel uncomfortable, though nothing so traumatic occurred. And so the conversation went back and forth until we located a possible suspect in Ohio that was incarcerated, who looked like him, and had a birthday close to his. So she showed her husband. And I sat there as my chest pounded, beating like a locomotive, and my mouth went dry, and I thought about karma. And justice, not really for me, because what has happened is beyond the statue of limitations. But, for all those abused afterward, because child offenders never really stop unless caught, I thought maybe I could do something, anything. And then I tried to sleep, fidgeted sleep, and awoke tired, but not as tired as before.

I checked my email that morning, and was surprised to learn that J.'s husband had told her this is not the same man, since that man, who became a teacher, and lived across from him, could not be the man in the picture. So, I felt deflated. But lo and behold, J.'s husband did a search, and found the f**ker, and he lives in another state, has taught third grade all his life, is well respected, and his resume, along with his alias (yes, he changed his name), along with his email, home address and phone number, AND picture, were all on the website. It was then suggested that I contact him and confront him, but instead, I sent the information to my therapist, called the jurisdiction where he lives, and was advised to pursue it in the jurisdiction where I went to high school. and is there where it is. I will not contact this man, for fear that he will bolt, and leave us all in the dust freeze.

Today I have felt lighter than I have in many, many years. I know it is temporary, and strong feelings will come up again, and I will feel overwhelmed and lost, but I feel closer, closer, to a resolution. For now, can't I rest a minute and let someone else hold the reins? Let karma please exist in this world once and for all?

Much Love!

M.

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