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Wednesday, March 25, 2009

So Why Do I Write, And What Is The Story?

So, I feel a need to talk a little about what has been mostly musings as of late. Why do I write, and why should you care? I have no idea what the answer is to the second question, but I began writing for myself, and I created a MySpace page and decided to blog. That evolved into my participation in a class after about a year after talking about returning school, and then not taking action, and I had such a warm, positive experience. In fact, I am still writing with four of the same writers from that beginning class. And there were only eleven I bellieve. My writer's group has become an extension of my life, and it truly is a vassel in which I can explore topics which I never thought I could write about, and topics that were also very personal in nature. What began as a personal narrative style evolved into prose, and then poetry, much of what is fiction. You can always tell what is true in my writing, and what is fiction. If I don't clarify or qualify my writing, you can always be certain it is mainly fiction. Poetry can be tricky though, and some of it is personal. I usually do not explain my poems as far as whether or not they are actually about my life, or the lives I have created. If you know me well, you will probably know, and if you are unsure, please ask and do not assume that the narrator in the work is based on my life. This has all led into my applying and being accepted into graduate studies at San Francisco State University for Creative Writing.

As far as the story I have begun here, well the Baby Girl poems are obviously not about me. So here is one instance that I am not talking about myself, but the events around PTSD are indeed true. Now this is where I feel the need to explain. Although there is a lot of stuff going on for me, it is not all Gloomy Guss or Debbie Downer material. Those in between moments I am smiling, even laughing along with my friends or family, or something silly I just read or heard. My outgoing persona is usually pretty obvious -- I am more of a dog than I cat. I wear my feelings. But, besides the PTSD stuff, I am pretty much just living and trying to enjoy those moments with others. The pieces I have been writing about, as far as PTSD, I feel the need to talk about. Why? Well, for one, I can't be the only one dealing with post traumatic stress. But also, it is a chance for me to write creatively, and to explore feelings. I *hope* it is useful and interesting for all of you. I know it is not light reading.

So what happened? Well, and this is the part that is sad. I was molested by two seperate teachers in high school. I will not go into detail, except to say, I have written about one experience and not the other. I will also say that that it was not the only trauma. But, I hope that in my writing, I can continue to explore my feelings and learn from them, and I hope others can too. WE ARE ALL CONENCTED IN SOME WAY! So, unfortunately, the PTSD symptoms had been there quite a while under a masqued duagnosis of anxiety and some depression at times, starting out as an internal process, and then manifesting itself to the point I decided to empower myself and take control of it, which is why I decided to apply for this study. Personally, this study scares the living Hell out of me, but it is also a fascinating learning process too. So there is the back story in a nutshell, and I am sure I will talk about it again if you appreciate it!

Thanks for all of your support, and thanks for allowing me a venue to do this. You have no idea what this experience has meant to me.

2 comments:

  1. Michael,

    The people that know you don't think you are a Gloomy-Guss or a Debbie-Downer. Quite the opposite, actually.

    You write about moments, and turn them into stories. I personally think it's theraputic, and really...who doesn't need an outlet of some type?!
    Like the saying goes: "Hey, at least it ain't crack!"

    Luv U Lots!!!

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  2. Heehee! You have a point. I love you so much!

    ReplyDelete