Thursday, March 19, 2009

The Latest

So, the good news is that I got accepted into the PTSD study at the VA hospital. For those who do not know what PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), I will post information at the end of this blog. The intake was really, really painful -- seven hours of talking about memories in which you are forced to be as explicit as possible. even though I am not a veteran, this study was released to the public, and qualifying was baed on an intake to see if you really do have a PTSD diagnosis. It appears that I do, though I already knew this. The goal of the study is to use Cognitive Behavior Therapy as a means of forcing unconscious and subconscious memories into you consciousness so that you can develop tools in order to deal with trauma. This means that being explicit is necessary. It is scary and intimidating, but I feel that this will only allow me to grow as a person.

As far as the whole drama around Eric, well, he and I have spoken. He is really concerned and takes responsibility for what happened, but I guess what made me a little frustrated was that he put his ex/roommate on the phone to talk to me, and I was told by Larry (ex) that he had a hard time with Eric's decision to be with his new boyfriend because he did not want to see the clues that were already there. Well, fine and dandy, but I never got those clues, because I was still being chatted up. I know Eric feels bad, but trust is just so sacred. How do you go back and reverse the damage? You can't. And even if you can forgive, and I do, how can you learn to trust someone who deceived you over and over again? My theory is that Eric went to England to meet Will, and in the event that it did not work out, I would have been the second choice. Otherwise, why say you still have feelings for me. And the last thing I want to hear right now is how head over heels in love he is with Will. I get it. What I am struggling with are the lies. I don't want to rub this in his face, and at the same time, I don't want to lose a friend, but what was once a special bond has become unraveled, and I am not sure what kind of contact will be helpful at this point. SIGH! Life goes on. At least I am doing the study and getting extra support with my new therapist who has been nothing short of brilliant and says I need to stop blaming myself for what others do, and learn to forgive myself. I know, this is all such psychobabble, but it is what is going on in my life right now, and I guess I need to write about it and get these feelings out. Timing is everything huh?

Thanks to all of you that have offered me nothing but support. Love you guys!

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (nutshell version)

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a real illness. You can get PTSD after living through or seeing a traumatic event, such as war, a hurricane, rape, physical abuse or a bad accident. PTSD makes you feel stressed and afraid after the danger is over. It affects your life and the people around you. PTSD can cause problems like:

Flashbacks, or feeling like the event is happening again
Trouble sleeping or nightmares
Feeling alone
Angry outbursts
Feeling worried, guilty or sad

PTSD starts at different times for different people. Signs of PTSD may start soon after a frightening event and then continue. Other people develop new or more severe signs months or even years later. PTSD can happen to anyone, even children.Medicines can help you feel less afraid and tense. It might take a few weeks for them to work. Talking to a specially trained doctor or counselor also helps many people with PTSD. This is called talk therapy.

National Institute of Mental Health

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